Questioning your research

Today one of the senior grad students in my lab asked me if, when I was a grad student, I ever felt like my research was crap and questioned if the hours, weeks, years of effort put into the research was really worth it.

Obviously she doesn't read any blogs.

My answer was a resounding yes. Having not yet published my dissertation, I'm still half convinced that it isn't good enough! Anyway, I tried to reassure her that pretty much all grad students question their decisions and research at one time or another. Even the confident, brilliant, successful ones (I'm lucky to count some of them as my friends). At this point, another grad student, a 2nd year who is just starting to figure out his research plan, skeptically asked, 'Everybody? So you think I will too?'

Seriously, does no one read blogs?

My answer was, again, a resounding yes and that it would probably be when he and his fiance want to start a family but he has 2 field seasons left that will require long trips and long hours in the lab with no weekends off. The look on his face told me I nailed it.

Having dealt with impostor syndrome, questioning my research and thinking it is crap is pretty second nature to me. I want to know what these students are doing to get through grad school without second guessing themselves!

back to blogging

So, it has been a while hasn't it. My absence was much longer than planned but I think I am ready to get back.

When I left, I had just returned from a conference. There was a big focus on my new work there and I didn't feel like I kept up or fit in or was well received whenever I tried to get my foot in the door or talk to bigwigs about my project. On top of that, I was in this competition and my talk didn't go very well. It was important for me to talk to some of the judges about my new work and I couldn't shake the feeling that they were judging me about everything. Because they were! Personally, it was a wonderful time catching up with good friends but professionally, eh.

Upon returning, I went into the field. It was a productive trip with a lot of pressure. It was on a new system that Rt-H hadn't worked on before. New places to work, with a different combination of students. There was one major blowout, which was due to my own leadership failings. 10 hours in the field + 7 hours driving + no food = unhappy Albatross. I got pissed at the actions of one student and the other had a compete breakdown. We worked through things and moved on with the trip and the work once we returned, but one of the students is still harboring some resentment about it all which makes it hard to learn from our mistakes and move forward.

After that trip (in July), with the students working away in the lab on our side project, I was supposed to visit to a lab for training related to the next portion of my project. This fell through and after a bit of floundering, I finally visited a different lab this past week to do the training. Things are starting to get back on track, some unbloggable situations have resolved themselves and life is becoming a bit more manageable again.

While catching up on my 1000+ posts in my reader, please feel free to let me know major happenings that I've missed in the comments. If anyone is still here reading, that is!

My non-world

With my PI on maternity leave, the definition of my postdoc position as not-student and not-faculty has become obvious. Most of this come from intralab interactions. The students come to me to discuss experiments, get papers, ask questions, etc. instead of constantly emailing Rt-H.I even sign their time sheets! While it is great that I am getting a bit of mentoring experience, the fact that I am not faculty means that the students don't have to listen to me and have on a few occasions ignored my suggestions completely.  Rt-H and I usually have the same suggestions so the students end up doing what I said anyways, but it is frustrating to be pestered by them all the time when they don't trust what I have to say. 

I'm also relied upon by Rt-H for experimental design assistance. Reading over a protocol, I found an error that would result in a fatal flaw in the design. After pointing this out to her and the students, there was a big email flurry to solve the issue. Since I am not the students doing the experiments, or the advisor I was not in on the solution. It took me two days to track down a student and get the story on the outcome.

These things are just small annoyances really, but they make it clear that my position in the lab is very well, un-clear. Defining my place in the lab by all these things that I am not has got me me wondering exactly what I am in the lab...On a related note. Geez, grad students take up a lot of time!

Lab baby

My PI had her baby this week!!! In a ridiculous display of professor geekdom, she texted us 2 hours after giving birth. We got 3 emails that night and all were about lab stuff and journal club. Not even a single baby picture yet! 

A couple other professors have asked me how things are going now that I am 'running the lab.' It is funny because I'm really not. All the grad students are pretty independent and the lab tech ends up with more responsibility than I have for the daily ins and outs of the lab. Plus, Rt-H is ridiculously plugged in. So far, the students have bounced a few more questions off me than normal since it is easier to ask and get an immediate answer than email Rt-H but nothing too out of the ordinary. We will have to see how 3 weeks of absence differs from 3 days....

roller coaster week

This postdoc thing has got me up, down, upside-down and sideways. 

Up: Since last week, things have gotten better. I figured something out on my own, which really helped increase my confidence. I was able to finish up analyzing my first data set and now...

Down:  ...the second has not been as kind. I am slooooowly working through it but seriously, does anyone have any tips on how to remind yourself to eat when you are in the lab 12+ hours? It is really inconvenient when you are in the middle of something and have to leave to actually do it!

Upside-down: My progress is at a dangerous stage right now. I know just enough to know when something is new and different, but I don't know how to deal with it yet. Some of what I'm finding is completely unexpected (and therefore totally awesome). It is enthralling and frustrating all at once.  Tomorrow I actually get to learn how to take my own data (yay!) but for now...

 

Sideways: ...I'm going to go crawl into bed with some pdfs.